I’m now running two desks because one of our editors quit, so I’m laying out, editing and posting at least two pages of content every night.

That being said, tonight was even worse. I had two pages of Arts content to fill. And I did it with all Twilight-related material.

First page: Dueling reviews about Twilight, complete with graphic of students arguing about the movie.

Second page: A feature I wrote in about an hour at 9 tonight about Madison residents who went and checked out the film, and how it had the single-biggest night ever. Plus, I decided to make the viral videos of the week box I always run all Twilight-themed. I really wanted to run SNL’s “Nightlight,” but as a rule I don’t force people to go to any site except youtube, so it got left out in favor of CollegeHumor’s “Insane Twilight Reaction Video” and “Deleted Twilight Sex Scene.”

So, for those who are too lazy to read the whole thing, a summary:

Longest night ever. 2 pages of ‘Twilight’ coverage. Kill me now.

This is the column I ran today in response to Roman Polanski’s arrest. My Co-worker Dan did not feel the same way. Here is my article, and his response.

Before you jump to conclusions, Dan’s a smart guy, and probably my best writer. But feel free to (respectfully) agree or disagree with his position if you’d like.

4 Things to like about this article I wrote:

1. I wrote it in a an emergency content pinch in about 45 minutes, so you know it’s good.

2. It’s about Swine Flu (LOLZ TOPICAL!!1!)

3. It’s in convenient list form, which I know all you Internet people love.

4. The reasons I gave are also in list form, and you probably read them, proving my point.

My latest column, dealing with racism in Disney movies! Enjoy.

Because we have space to fill at The Cardinal, we have a faux-advice column called the Deer Cardinal, featuring a hybrid deer-cardinal that dispenses terrible advice to the (mostly fake) questions submitted by (mostly fake) readers. We had one guy do it for a while who was pretty terrible (and hopefully doesn’t read this blog), so I’ve been writing the columns in my spare time. They don’t usually get posted online, so I thought I’d share one of the Deer Cardinals that I wrote tonight.

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Deer Cardinal,

I have my first date with a girl from my hall tonight, and I’m nervous. Got any tips for me? –Frank F.

Frankie Fish,

I had to take a trip down memory lane to answer your question, as it’s been a little bit since I’ve been out in the dating world, but from what I remember, these are guaranteed aphrodisiacs for the ladies.

1. Use as much Axe Body Spray and Binaca Breath Spray as possible.

When I went to see “Bring it On” with Kelly Mason in 7^th grade, I loaded myself up with so much spray my dad had to drive us to the theater with the windows open. By the time Kirsten Dunst was rocking her routine, I was in the middle of a 45-minute frenching session. Good thing I brought my handy tube of Cherry Chapstick.

2. Don’t grab her boobies until the second date

Girls want to be intimate, but if you try to start the night with an over-the-tiny-tank-top-tit-grab, like I did with Chelsea Nathanson at the Diamond semi-formal, you’re going to be shit out of luck. The only exception to this rule is a game of Truth or Dare. Anything goes when it comes to a little T&D.

3. Give her a mixtape to show that you care.

I gave Alexa Andrews my “Summer Jamz 2000” mix for our two-month anniversary. Talk about instant attraction. I was getting bi-weekly over-the-pants handjobs (OTPHJs) after that little CD-MP3 disc hit her boombox. Thank you Kazaa!

Deer Cardinal,

I’m looking to be a stand-up comic, but I’m not sure where to start. What’s the best way to get recognized? –James U.

Sweet baby James,

Some people think comedy is about telling jokes, when in reality, that couldn’t be further from the truth. The first thing you need is a distinguishing characteristic to show off your crazy zaniness Are you ethnic? Gay? A woman? A cross-dressing, fruit-smashing prop comic with a lisp? Because if you aren’t any of those things, you better start pretending now. One other tip: if you hear someone tell a joke, your thought process should go as thus:

1. Is it funny?

2. Is the joke-teller famous?

If you can get away with stealing it, by all means do it. Who’s going to believe Joe Schmo when he claims that James “Hot Pants” Updike, the greatest cross-dressing, fruit-smashing prop comic with a lisp of all time stole his joke about Oprah and Kenan Thompson on stilts? As long as you steal from relatively unknown comics and keep up the kitsch, you’re golden.

Considering I usually write these in about 15 minutes, I didn’t feel too bad about this one. If any of you want to make my job any easier next week, submit some questions to me. For now I’ll just throw a question mark at the end of this post in case any of you have questions you want to receive horrible advice for

?

While I try to avoid looking at the dashboard until I watch “Mad Men,” I figured I’d post up a little piece of writing I really enjoyed by my roommate Jon. He’s one of the Page 2 columnists at The Cardinal, and consistently one of the funniest as well. Unfortunately, we can’t print everything Jon writes, and this particular column was rejected for its tasteless (aka hilarious) jokes. So enjoy the TOTALLY UNRATED AND UNCENSORED DAILY CARDINAL ARTICLE. TOO HOT! TOO STEAMY! ONE TOO MANY JOKES ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST AND PARAPLEGICS!

In these trying economic times, I too struggled to look for any place to find an extra dollar to get by. My search took me to the one business that will always be recession-proof – Hollywood. I left town with a pocketful of dreams and a notebook full of ideas for possible sitcoms for any Hollywood executive who would listen. Alas, all of my ideas were turned down by the one executive who listened to me, but I did save the transcript of our interview for my memoirs someday when I become famous, just so I can mock that fool for ever doubting me.

What better time than now to give my soon-to-be fans a sneak peek at the transcript? Here’s the conversation in its entirety:

Me: Ok, first pitch. Two paraplegic men – one without arms, one without legs – inexplicably become freshman college roommates. Everyone is going to love the adventures of Handy and Leggy! We’ll call it “Two Half-men”, and it can star Charlie Sheen and some other guy no one’s ever heard of. I’ve even got the pilot episode prepared. Handy and Leggy attempt to go on a date disguised as one person, with Handy operating the top half and Leggy operating the bottom half under a large trench coat. But the date turns sour when Handy ruins the mood by revealing his overt racism and various ethnic phobias!

Hollywood Executive: Okay, I’m just going to stop you here. Nobody is going to want to watch two paraplegic men struggle to hit on women. It’s just not good TV.

Me: What if one of them was gay and the other had superpowers?

Hollywood Executive: Nah, still no good. The homosexual and superhero markets have both been tapped by other networks.

Me:  No worries, I’m sitting on a goldmine of ideas. My next pitch revolves around a sex columnist living in New York who describes the everyday events of her and three friends’ sexual misadventures in her weekly piece for the newspaper.

Hollywood Executive: You just described the exact plotline of “Sex and the City,” which was already a show on TV. Is this a serious proposal?

Me: Alright, then, we’ll make a follow-up show called to that one called “Sex and the City: The Later Years.” It will center on the same four women, now in their sixties, trying to relive the glory years of their sexual conquests. I’ve even got the premise for the first episode: One of the girls has to get a plastic hip replacement after her feisty 55-year-old boyfriend gets a little rough with her in the sack.

Hollywood Executive: Call this a hunch, but I don’t think viewers are going to watch a bunch of 60-year-old women trying to get laid. Do you have anything even remotely watchable to pitch me?

Me: Alright, maybe you’ll like one of my movie pitches. Sequels are where the money is. Speilberg’s “Schindler’s List” was a huge blockbuster, and it was critically acclaimed. What we need to make is the follow-up. Picture it: “Schindler’s Pissed”. I envision Oscar Schindler busting into Nazi concentration camps wielding twin assault rifles, tearing up the joint and freeing all of the trapped prisoners. It’ll be a summer blockbuster and a multiple Oscar winner all in one!

Hollywood Executive: Do I even have to explain what’s wrong with this idea?

Me: Okay, how about this? It’s a reality show called “Third Reich, You’re Out!” in which contestants try to stage a political coup in an industrialized nation and enact genocide on their race of choice. Winner gets a basket of assorted shampoos.

Hollywood Executive: I’m afraid there are simply not enough Nazi sympathizers in our current audiences and age groups to warrant a show about fascism. I’m sorry, but you’re not really selling me on any of these, son. You’ve got moxie, but frankly, you’re pretty offensive and have no conception of what would be enjoyable to watch on a weekly basis. Plus you have a distinct body odor.

Me: That’s the smell of talent, sir. Go ahead, bask in it.

Hollywood Executive: I’m calling security.

Me: (Runs out of room after stealing complimentary company pens and mints from nearby tray)

With almost 2300 likes, over 7,000 diggs and a buttload of comments, Brian Murphy’s “4 Awkward Moments in Facebook Likes” has become the most viewed article on CollegeHumor of all time. That’s right, after years of writing articles, coming up with creative ideas and putting pen to paper (or at least fingers to keyboard), the pinnacle of humor is a fake photoshop about liking stuff on Facebook.

Let’s take a look at the top seven most-viewed articles on CollegeHumor of all time, shall we?

#7: “Why You Should Always Log Out” By Jeff Rosenberg

This article features Jeff supposedly finding computers with people’s stuff logged in, then messing with them. This article was mildly funny, but only made funnier by the outraged response from Digg users, who called police, posted threatening comments, and even created a photoshop of a newspaper purported to be Rosie getting arrested.

Running tally: Articles that are “real”: 1, Articles solely based on humor: 0.

#6: “The Facebook of Genesis“ by Andrew B.

One of the best entries into the Facebook news feed trend, this style of joke was overused for a long period on CollegeHumor, only occsaionally providing genuine laughs. Luckily incoporating religion or history into Facebook is usually a pretty good bet for a funny article.

Articles that are “real”: 1, Articles solely based on humor: 1.

#5: “Who’s Bringing the Microwave?” by Jeff Rosenberg.

A supposed “cousin” of Jeff Rosenberg’s is starting his freshman year, only to find his roommate is kind of a douche. Jordan appears to be no whiz kid himself; hijinks and racism ensue. This is clearly fake, yet features the “found online” tag, in an attempt to convince people it’s real. Again it hits the front page of Digg, with people arguing on the validity of the article.

Articles that are “real”: 2, Articles solely based on humor: 1.

#4: “Anatomy of a One-Night Stand” by Sarah Schneider.

This one is a classic. It doesn’t rely on any pre-existing template, and features hilarious illustrations. It’s no wonder CH has put it on their front page approximately 6,000 times.

Articles that are “real”: 2, Articles solely based on humor: 2.

#3: “The Answer is NOT Always C” by Jeff Rosenberg.

Rosie’s friend is so stupid dudes. Did you see this test he took? He filled in C for every answer on a true-false test! LOL! Dismissive wanking aside, this is a pretty funny idea, as long as you take it with a grain of salt, knowing that it is, of course, fake. Some people don’t seem to realize that.

Articles that are “real”: 3, Articles solely based on humor: 2.

#2: “Facebook Mom” by Jeff Rosenberg

One of Rosie’s brother’s friends sent him this hilarious (and totally real!!!!) exchange between a mother and student. Only thing is, that’s not her son! Moms are so stupid!!!!!!!!!!1!. Clearly fake, but pandering to an audience that would prefer it not to be.

Articles that are “real”: 4, Articles solely based on humor: 2.

#1: The aforemetioned Brian Murphy article, which not only had a grammatical error in the original photo (which CH quickly replaced), but also features a guy that was already used in another humor article that went to the front page of Digg a couple months ago. And yet the final total is…

Articles that are “real”: 5, Articles solely based on humor: 2.

Things to take away from all of this:

1. The two most-viewed articles of all time were published in the last 10 days.

2. I actually feel for the writers of these articles a bit. How does it feel to have a legitimately funny dialogue-based article that you spent time crafting get beaten out by something you can create in Photoshop in 15 minutes? I love Brian Murphy’s articles. He’s probably the most consistent writer there right now. But this article will always be at the top of the heap.

3. Time to strike while the iron is hot. I’ve already got some ideas for fake (REAL!) Facebook photoshops that I could use, and I plan on doing it. It just makes sense: If it’s going to get the pageviews, it will get me the money, and therefore help pay my rent.

4. Before any of you think that I’m hating on the entire CH article structure, let’s be clear that I still enjoyed most of these articles for what they were, and even ‘liked’ a few of them. However, it shows that the CH audience is changing, becoming younger, and significantly dumber.

(And before anyone calls me a hypocrite for hating on “real” articles and Facebook-based articles, my two most successful articles were based on Facebook. One was a fake news-feed, and one was a “real” interaction, which netted me tons of hateful messages from users over at eBaum’s world when it got linked there.

I wrote this review of NCAA Football 2010 a few days ago as well. If you’re into video games, check it out.

My first good column of the year. I wrote my first one on deadline, and I didn’t really like the way it turned out, so I didn’t bother posting it. This one, however, turned out ok.

I have to say, for all the shit us Badgers give our inferior neighbors to the West, I’ve really enjoyed my inaugural visit to U of M. Then again, enjoyment of a city is often proportional to how much free beer you get in said city. So far, the free beer hasn’t stop flowing here.

One of the members of the Board of Directors is a lecturer at the conference I’m attending, and he took us out for many a Grainbelt Premium (apparently the local cheap beer in Minnesota) at a few bars. I’d bet he spent over 70 bucks on us, despite one of the bars having a 70 cent beer night.

Beyond that, the campus is really beautiful. Wisconsin tends to let a building reach the verge of death before rebuilding it, whereas Minnesota seems to be constantly renovating and improving each building. It gives the campus a feeling of uniformity that Madison sorely lacks.

Again, apologies for my prolonged absences. I’m sure you all miss me, even all you new followers.