Wait, I thought the point of Lamebook was to laugh AT people, not WITH them.
Stumbled across this awesome database on SomethingAwful. AOL accidentally released tons of user data back in 2006, just a bit before I got to college and became more Internet-savvy. These databases are about 100 times funnier than all those Google screencaps people put up now. I could spend hours reading these.
(via fuckyeah4chan)
I was a little bit late on the uptake on this one… but as usual, Lamebook delivers (even if the watermark isn’t in this one)
Jenny Slate drops the F-bomb on Saturday Night Live. Love the facial expression immediately after, haha.
We Gon’ Rock—Boostalk
Three questions:
1. How did he get such a hot girl to be in this video?
2. Anyone else kinda impressed with his back handsprings?
3. …why?
I seriously spit out the beer I’m drinking at my desk when reading this. Mostly because it’s gluten free (WTF is Redbridge??), but also because this article was hilarious.
Want terrible advice? Talk to the Deer Cardinal!
Because we have space to fill at The Cardinal, we have a faux-advice column called the Deer Cardinal, featuring a hybrid deer-cardinal that dispenses terrible advice to the (mostly fake) questions submitted by (mostly fake) readers. We had one guy do it for a while who was pretty terrible (and hopefully doesn’t read this blog), so I’ve been writing the columns in my spare time. They don’t usually get posted online, so I thought I’d share one of the Deer Cardinals that I wrote tonight.
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Deer Cardinal,
I have my first date with a girl from my hall tonight, and I’m nervous. Got any tips for me? –Frank F.
Frankie Fish,
I had to take a trip down memory lane to answer your question, as it’s been a little bit since I’ve been out in the dating world, but from what I remember, these are guaranteed aphrodisiacs for the ladies.
1. Use as much Axe Body Spray and Binaca Breath Spray as possible.
When I went to see “Bring it On” with Kelly Mason in 7th grade, I loaded myself up with so much spray my dad had to drive us to the theater with the windows open. By the time Kirsten Dunst was rocking her routine, I was in the middle of a 45-minute frenching session. Good thing I brought my handy tube of Cherry Chapstick.
2. Don’t grab her boobies until the second date
Girls want to be intimate, but if you try to start the night with an over-the-tiny-tank-top-tit-grab, like I did with Chelsea Nathanson at the Diamond semi-formal, you’re going to be shit out of luck. The only exception to this rule is a game of Truth or Dare. Anything goes when it comes to a little T&D.
3. Give her a mixtape to show that you care.
I gave Alexa Andrews my “Summer Jamz 2000” mix for our two-month anniversary. Talk about instant attraction. I was getting bi-weekly over-the-pants handjobs (OTPHJs) after that little CD-MP3 disc hit her boombox. Thank you Kazaa!
Deer Cardinal,
I’m looking to be a stand-up comic, but I’m not sure where to start. What’s the best way to get recognized? –James U.
Sweet baby James,
Some people think comedy is about telling jokes, when in reality, that couldn’t be further from the truth. The first thing you need is a distinguishing characteristic to show off your crazy zaniness Are you ethnic? Gay? A woman? A cross-dressing, fruit-smashing prop comic with a lisp? Because if you aren’t any of those things, you better start pretending now. One other tip: if you hear someone tell a joke, your thought process should go as thus:
1. Is it funny?
2. Is the joke-teller famous?
If you can get away with stealing it, by all means do it. Who’s going to believe Joe Schmo when he claims that James “Hot Pants” Updike, the greatest cross-dressing, fruit-smashing prop comic with a lisp of all time stole his joke about Oprah and Kenan Thompson on stilts? As long as you steal from relatively unknown comics and keep up the kitsch, you’re golden.
Considering I usually write these in about 15 minutes, I didn’t feel too bad about this one. If any of you want to make my job any easier next week, submit some questions to me. For now I’ll just throw a question mark at the end of this post in case any of you have questions you want to receive horrible advice for
?
